Just so you know...

Well friends, I have some good news and bad news all wrapped into one. For those of you who didn't know, in February Ben and I found out that we were expecting. We were super excited and looking forward to having a baby in October.

Here we are after taking the pregnancy test. I love this picture.

Then at about 6 weeks, morning sickness started. Full blown. Throwing up about every other day, no energy or motivation; if you've been there you know what I'm talking about. But we got through it. At week 13 I started to feel a little better, just in time to come back to Utah.

I never saw a doctor in DC due to insurance reasons and because nothing ever felt wrong. I made myself my own doctor :) I set an appointment for as soon as we got back to Utah. So this week we had my first appointment. My uterus measured the right size at 14 weeks, but when Dr. R used the doppler (the sound magnification machine) he couldn't find a heartbeart. Being a nurse, I wasn't concerned because I do the same thing at work and sometimes I can't find a heartbeat. So they wheeled in the ultrasound machine and began looking around. As soon as the ultrasound tech told us the baby only measured 8 weeks I knew it was dead. I looked on the screen and saw no beating heart, no arms or legs, just a lifeless blob. The doctor then came back in and explained that I would eventually miscarry the baby naturally or I could take medicine to do it quicker. I opted for the medicine.

When we left the office we were obviously both very sad. A few hours earlier we thought I was 14 weeks pregnant. We thought we had gotten through the beast of morning sickness for the first time. And we thought we were going to have a new baby in October. But the beautiful thing about the gospel of Jesus Christ is that he sends his comforter, the Holy Ghost, when we need him. We felt that comforter from the moment they told us the baby had died. As if Heavenly Father was saying, "It's okay. Just trust me. I know what's best".

As a nurse I've seen many women miscarry in the ER. I've often thought, "Don't they know that their body knows when it's right or wrong? Don't they realize that this miscarriage is saving them from raising a baby that isn't formed right?" Now being on the receiving end, I understand each of those women so much better. Is it possible to be so sad about something, but so thankful at the same time? Over the past few days, Ben and I both have been able to sort out those feelings. And today I just feel grateful. I'm over the excitement of pregnancy and being parents and I feel, more than ever, God's plan unfolding for us and our family.

I'm sorry if this is a bit dramatic. I just want to express that I know this is what needed to happen to us, even if it has been hard and even though it means I'll go through morning sickness twice for one pregnancy. Blah :( (I'm trying not to think about that too much for now). My mom jokes that when my first child misbehaves I can say, "You had better behave. I went through morning sickness twice for you!" ha ha. But out of trials come countless blessings, including the miracle that I held onto the baby for 6 weeks after it had died, just so I wouldn't have to miscarry in DC without my family and friends nearby. That has meant the world to me and I can't thank Heavenly Father enough for that.

Another blessing is that I have 4 sisters, all of whom have had miscarriages. And they've all gone on to raise beautiful families. I feel no fear about not having children; we've only been married a year and still have time to start a family. The bottom line is, it's comforting to know that the Lord has a wonderful and perfect plan for our family. We are just lucky enough to be a part of it.