Growing Up

My kids are growing up. Of course they are, you say, but don't act like that realization is so obvious. Don't be that lady in the grocery store who longingly looks at your kids and says, "Enjoy this stage. They grow up so fast". This is, of course, happening while you are in the check out line, trying to pay for your groceries while one kid is crying because you won't buy her a candy bar and the other is seconds from breaking his arm as he tries to climb out of the cart. 

Because although I can appreciate the message this woman is trying convey, I have to say that most days I don't believe her. Most days, after I've picked up countless toys, cleaned up a plethora of messes, and changed innumerable diapers, I can promise you that it feels like they will never. grow. up. Really.

And then they surprise me. Like the first time Teddy slept through the night. After over a year of sleepless nights rocking him, nursing him, burping him, singing to him, I felt a light penetrate the darkness of my life. I would sleep through the night again. Of course, we go through phases, but his sleeping through the night gave me hope for the future.

Then this week I was getting lunch ready and Nayeli told me she didn't want to drink milk from a sippy anymore. She wanted it in a cup. Just like that. Is that how it happens?

Not to mention that we had to move Teddy to a toddler bed a few weeks ago. His fantastic climbing skills extended to the crib where he fell out multiple times (without serious injury). We finally bit the bullet and jimmy-rigged his crib, which is not made to convert into a toddler bed, into a toddler bed. Ta-da!

He's actually done surprisingly well with sleeping in an open bed. Yes, there are many nights that he falls asleep by the door to his room and I have to move him, but overall he has managed to control himself enough to fall asleep in the confines of the bed.

He's also become interested in Nayeli's underwear and the toilet as of late. I finally broke down and bought him car underwear after a few days of him wearing Nayeli's Minnie underwear all over the house. At his own insistence he has gone pee in the toilet twice and insists on being put on multiple times a day. He's only 20 months so I won't be pushing him to potty train until he's ready, but it is promising that he's already showing interest.

 Putting it on himself

Speaking of Teddy wearing Nayeli's things, he's definitely taken a liking to her Elsa dress.

When he puts it on we call him King Elso.

As for Nayeli, she is also spreading her wings and becoming more independent, especially when it comes to fashion. She's very into the monochromatic look, or she goes for the "everything must be Minnie" look that you see below (note the socks).

I think it's fun to see her creativity come out in her clothes and I let her dress herself however she wants unless we're going to church. Then I have to make sure she looks at least half decent.

So maybe the lady in the grocery is right, it does go fast. They will grow up and I'll look back on these days and not remember the messes, tantrums, and diapers. I'll remember the good more than the bad. I'll be that woman in the grocery store that counsels the young mother in line. With that realization in mind, my resolution this year is to enjoy each phase more and wish that they were older less. Because as they grow, there are few things I'm certain of, except for one thing: they have both stolen my heart and I am happy everyday to be their mother.

Teddy climbing me as I was working on my computer one day

Smotherhood

Social media makes people's lives look so glamorous and perfect, doesn't it? I'll admit, I almost exclusively post the best of my life because it's my highlight roll. It's what I want to remember. The reality, however, is that my life is neither glamorous nor perfect- no one's is. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mother. I love it. But I once heard motherhood referred to as "smotherhood" and I get it. Many days I myself ask, "Can a woman get a moment to herself around here?!"

There are so many things I used to do alone and not even think about the solitude... not even think about it. How things have changed since I had children.

Take going to the bathroom for example:

Teddy calling to Ben in the bathroom (he does the same thing to me- there's no mistaking those little fingers under the door).

Or showering. Teddy is an early riser and isn't very interested in TV. That means that unless I want to wake up before him (which I typically don't), I have to pull him into the shower with me to keep him out of trouble (I used to let him play with toys outside the shower until he started putting them in the toilet). Now shower time has become a juggle of keeping Teddy occupied and away from the razor that I'm using to shave my legs.

And then we move on to doing my hair and make-up. I've found the trick to being able to get anything done is to put Teddy in the sink and let him tear apart my vanity. I've only had to pull the deodorant from his mouth one time so, we're still in good shape, right?

Also, remember those days when you were childless and you could go buy a soda at the drive-through and sip it peacefully in the car? Remember that? Now each time I want anything at a drive-through I have to consider the two mouths sitting behind me. It makes those frequent Sonic trips a little more expensive than they used to be. Thank goodness for Happy Hour.

(This photo was actually taken on a day that sodas and Dora were the only thing that got us through until bedtime).

And last but not least, sleep. A few months ago Nayeli started having bad dreams and so I would crawl into bed with her to help her fall back asleep. Then Ben was sad that he was waking up in the morning by himself, so I started pulling her into bed with us. It was okay for awhile, but then she started to take liberties with space and before we knew it Ben was sleeping on a sliver of our bed each night. Not to mention that I was sandwiched between the two of them. The situation just made us all grouchy and wasn't working.

Luckily, we were able to make Nayeli a mini-bed right by where I sleep. She's taken to that quite well and we've found we're all sleeping much better.

Nevermind that it's a king sized bed- we would always end up like this in the morning. 

Oh, and one last thing:

There are two funny things about this picture. First, look at the text in blue. That was one of the kids texting Ben from my phone. Pretty sure it went something like this:

(Me, trying to send Ben a text)

Kid: Mom, I want to send Dad a text.

Me: Okay, just a second, let me finish this.

Kid: But I want to send him a text now! And play a game! And look at pictures!

Me: Just a second, I just have to finish...

Kid: Now!

Remember the days when you could just send a text and handle your phone without someone else trying to pry it from your hands? Me too. But just barely...

Then second part of the picture is the text in yellow. Ben sent this to me on his lunch break and I could not stop laughing. It looks like Teddy sampled some of the produce when he "helped" me put the groceries away. That's another thing... remember grocery shopping by yourself? Yeah, me neither.

The truth about motherhood is that it is about finding balance- a balance between giving your children your time and love while maintaining a sense of self-identity. It's about keeping your sanity while developing lasting relationships with your kids. I am still learning how to balance (and stay sane for that matter), but I look to two of the great examples in my life for help.

My own mother was a wonderful example of selflessness. She would drop any personal interest or endeavor to show us love and give us time. She always erred on the side of giving us more and herself less. She is one of the most loving people I have ever known.

The second example, and the most perfect, is the Savior. He never thought of himself but only of others. He was constantly loving, serving, helping and caring. Christ said, "He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it" (Matthew 10:39). Am I losing my life to be a mother? Maybe. But by giving so much of myself, more than I ever thought I could give, I am also discovering greater love, patience, happiness and joy than I ever thought possible. Whatever I may give, the reward is infinitely greater. 

In the meantime, I'll try to relish the snuggles in bed and the fingers under the bathroom door. They won't last forever, and while they do they can make me a better person. Also, it doesn't hurt that I get to wake up to this face. No matter what time it is, he is still cute.

Early morning selfie

Teddy at 9 months

At the end of January Teddy turned 9 months. I can't believe how the time has flown, except that every time I look in the mirror I can see the growing bags under my eyes that have appeared since his birth. Teddy is the sweetest, most wonderful little boy and has brought us all a lot of joy, but he is an awful sleeper. I'll get into that later. For now, here are a few facts about Teddy:

- He is crawling and can pull himself up on furniture. He used to only army crawl which was really cute.
- He weighs 18 pounds but has only gained four pounds since his two month appointment. He's in about the 50% for weight now.
- He gulps as he eats and was extremely difficult to burp as a baby. He can now burp himself except when he is nursed to sleep- then I still have to burp him before I lay him down.
- He will eat almost anything. He's getting really good at eating finger food and prefers them to baby food.
- He has six teeth: two on bottom and four on top. He has earned the nickname "Jack-o-lantern smile" from the family who sits behind us at church. He was really into biting while nursing for awhile but we kicked him of that habit quickly.
- He is the most intense and alert baby you could ever imagine. He is constantly moving and taking in the world around him. This may contribute to why he is a bad sleeper? Who knows.
- He loves to give big slobbery kisses.
- He has learned to clap and can sign "more" when eating.
- He loves to get into everything. With Nayeli I never had to put locks on my cabinets but as soon as Teddy was crawling it became a necessity.
 - He LOVES hair. He often pulls and tries to suck on mine. He made me want to cut a pixie cut for awhile, although I'm glad he didn't because he is now more gentle with it and will play with it while he is nursing.  

What else? Here are a few photos to illustrate other things about Teddy:

He loves to be outside.

He is learning the natural consequences of having an older sister, like having to dress in pink sometimes. It's a good thing he's a natural- note the hand placement here.

He loves to put his sticky hands in his hair after eating.

He loves to mooch food from Nayeli.

He also loves to pull her hair. It's caused more than a few tears in our home.

He's discovering our apartment and I now have to keep certain doors closed.

He loves Ben.

As for his sleeping, things are getting better but it has not been an easy road. For the first six months of his life, Teddy woke every 2-3 hours at night. That's not an exaggeration. I did EVERYTHING I could think of, but little changed. Finally, at about six months, I had a heart to heart with Heavenly Father and told him I couldn't do it anymore. I needed the problem to be taken away or strength beyond my own.

Like the loving father that he is, he gave me both things. After my prayer and a blessing from Ben, for the first time since his birth Teddy slept through the entire night. He didn't do it the following night, but it was enough. I felt Heavenly Father was sending me a message. I heard him telling me, "I'm here. You're not alone". Sometimes it is really difficult to be away from family because if I lived closer I could drop the kids off after a bad night with the baby. That's why it was a welcome reassurance to feel that I wasn't alone. I felt him strengthening me and making me feel that I could do it.

I haven't told a lot of people about Teddy's sleep problems because I got tired of the advice. Initially I poured over baby sleep books, highlighting text and dog-earing pages. I talked to mom after mom about their experiences. I created pages and pages of sleep plans titled, "How to help Teddy sleep better". I read article after article on the internet and then... I just felt so stinking confused! I felt everyone was telling me, "If you would just do this..." but I felt I tried everything I was comfortable with doing and nothing got better! Essentially, no one else was living what I was living and no one else could figure out what needed to be done but me. I finally had a moment that the Spirit said to me, "Your kids are your kids. They are not her kids, or their kids, they are your kids. You must be the one to decide what is right for your child". And then I stopped stressing about what I could be doing and just did my best. Soon, things got better. Not perfect, but better.

Most nights he wakes only once, although every once in awhile he's up four times a night. A lot depends on illness, teething, temperature, etc. But this last week was the first time he slept through the night TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW! We're making progress people. We're making progress. Besides, he really is such a sweet boy and I love him so much. He was meant to come to our family.

The Truth About Missions and Motherhood

Last night at about midnight I was awakened by Nayeli screaming from her crib. I found her feverish, and as I was just about to give her some Motrin and nurse her back to sleep, I felt a sickening splash on my face and shoulder. A quick flick of the light switch revealed last night's dinner on my cheek and shirt. Ugh.

Thankfully (insert sarcastic tone here) I have a husband who is a complete zombie when awakened in the middle of the night (remember how at 1:30 am he was driving to the hospital going 5mph under the speed limit while I was having contractions every 2 minutes?). However, in Ben's defense, he was able to get a grasp of reality long enough to hold the screaming Nayeli while I cleaned up myself and changed her. He then retreated back to our bedroom while I rocked our sick girl. Before sunrise I had changed my shirt three times. Needless to say, it was a long night.

By this morning, I had drafted an idea in my head on how to prepare those who are contemplating parenthood. I'd like to introduce it by way of an analogy. I'll call it the Sister Missionary analogy.

Lately, numerous LDS girls are going on missions and I think it's amazing. But for me, there's a caveat. Everyone tells them, "Oh it's wonderful! It'll be the best 18 months of your life! You're going to love it!" And they're right. It is all those things and more. But where is the person who sits each one down and says, "We need to have a chat. Has anyone told you how hard this is going to be? Has anyone mentioned that there will be MULTIPLE TIMES that you will wonder why in the world you went on a mission? That you will give anything for a plane ticket home?"

For me, it was my sister Christina. She served in the Dominican Republic in the 1990's. To say she had a taxing mission would be putting it mildly. She bathed from a bucket and never had a shower, was constantly battling parasites, lost a large portion of her hair, and had companions who hated and refused to speak to her. She even told me that at one point she prayed she would break her leg so she could be sent home.

Like the others I've described, she told me about the good of the mission. But because she took time to tell me about the bad, it helped me a lot. I knew it would be great, while at the same time knowing that it would be really really hard. And I did encounter a lot that tested me to my max, physically and emotionally. But I always had Tina's voice in my head saying, "It's okay. It's normal for it to be hard. It will be worth it".


Just for fun, here are a few photos of a few things that tested me physically (as to not incriminate former companions, investigators, or members, I will not be posting pictures of the things that emotionally taxed me :) ).

Giant cockroaches

 The ants and mosquitoes were vicious. My legs were covered with bites like this my entire mission and I had scars for a year or two after. Also, please marvel at my amazing tan lines from my shoes.

 Washing my clothes by hand in the shower (thankfully I did have a shower in all my areas).
This typically took almost all of our preparation day.

 The lizard I had to chase out of the house with a broom

 The spider I killed in our house. My nametag is on the ground to show it's size. 

 It jumped at me as I went to spray it. Note the huge pincers on the front of it's head.

But back to my idea. What if we apply the "chat" I received before my mission to motherhood? Wouldn't it be nice if a seasoned mom sat down with each girl who was considering motherhood and said, "We need to have a chat. Has anyone told you how hard this is going to be? Has anyone mentioned that there will be MULTIPLE TIMES that you will wonder why in the world you became a mother? That you will give anything for a plane ticket to Hawaii or anywhere else for that matter?"

It would be even more effective if the seasoned mothers were wearing shirts with spit up on them or pants with the remains of a blow-out on the thigh. And then, when times got hard for the new mom, she could remember the words of the seasoned mother saying, "It's okay. It's normal for it to be hard. It will be worth it".

Initially, when I woke this morning, I felt robbed. Where was the person that could have told me I would be awakened in the middle of the night only to be vomited on? Where was the seasoned mother who would let me know what it was really going to be like?

Then I realized that it doesn't matter. It wouldn't have diminished my desire to be a mother. Just like my sister's talk never lessened my desire to be a missionary. In fact, last night, after the mess was cleaned up and I held my daughter snuggled against my chest, I felt there was no where else I'd rather be.

In both the mission and motherhood, the sweet greatly outweighs the trial. The sweet is what keeps you going. There is nothing harder, but there is also nothing better.

 

*Note: My example is specific to sister missionaries because in my opinion, the mission is an entirely different battle for the sisters than the Elders. Both face similar problems in the mission, but my observation has been that the sisters deal with the stress and difficulties in the mission in a different way than the Elders. And, of course, I was never an Elder so I can't speak for what helps prepare them for a mission. I am just speaking from my own observations and experiences.

Daddy Daughter Time

I've been debating whether to retaliate after Ben's last post/expose about me... but I've decided to be the bigger person (insert halo glimmer here). Because when it comes down to it,  Ben is such a great dad.  Ever since Nayeli was born he and she have formed a bond and she loves being with him. It's so fun to watch. Allow  me to share some pictures to illustrate my point:

 

The day we brought Nayeli home from the hospital. He just wanted to hold her, and eventually they took a nap together. It was so sweet I had to get a picture.

The first time we took Nayeli out when she was only a week or so old. When she was young we often went on walks and took her in the Baby Bjorn.

Ben's favorite thing was when Nayeli would fall asleep on his chest and he could get a nap after work. She seldom does this anymore.

One day I asked Ben to hold Nayeli while I got something done, and when I returned I found him like this. Yes, those are her socks on his ears. Oh how Ben makes me laugh.

In June Ben had to go on a business trip to Atlanta. He felt a little guilty for leaving me alone with a newborn, so he left little notes for me to find around the house. This one was my favorite. One day I pulled a diaper out of the diaper bag and surprise! there was a note from Ben. Can you see it?

This is how I found Ben carrying Nayeli in the sleepy wrap one day as he was making phone calls for church. In his defense, she was still asleep and she could still breathe :)

Daddy daughter computer time

Frequently Ben will play with Nayeli so I can get something done... and almost any game he invents sends Nayeli's laughter pealing throughout the apartment. In this case, he was throwing her stuffed animal up so it would hit her on the way down. She loved it. It was precious.

I'm trying to type this before the baby wakes up...

I'm back from my blogging hiatus ready and willing to say that you were all right. It does get easier. Not that we're out of the woods yet, but after a month of being a mom I no longer feel like my life is over. In fact with some adaptation I feel like I'm regaining some stability and beginning to enjoy what it is to be a mom.

Although, I can't say that my personal adaptation deserves all the credit. I also owe it to a nipple shield that fed my baby while protecting my infected and torn up nipples. I owe it to a sleepy wrap that gives me two free hands again while getting to feel my baby snuggle up to me. And I owe it to a bassinet that has sometimes helped my baby sleep in four or five hour blocks.

The list of things I relish in grows every day: having Nayeli recognize my voice, learning her personality, seeing her smile at me or Ben, being able to calm her crying, taking her places and having people tell me what a cute baby I have.

And I'm relishing in today because today has been a good day. At this moment dinner is in the oven, the laundry is folded and put away, my kitchen is clean, and my baby is sleeping in a wrap on my chest.

I know all days won't be like this so I'll take it. And even if tomorrow the house is a wreck and I get nothing done, I'll take it too. Because I still get to be a mom, and my life is not yet over.

The World Upside Down

I've taken a blogging hiatus for awhile since I feel like my world has been turned upside down. Actually, if it's possible to feel like my life has been turned upside down, done a 180 and then a triple-salchow, then that's how I feel. So I'm now going to confess that having a newborn, although a wonderful experience, is one of the hardest things I've ever done.

I'm sure all you seasoned mothers out there know what I'm talking about. One day you have control of your life, and then the next you are completely subject to another. You relinquish all your freedom. Your life is no longer your own. Who saw that coming?

When I asked my mom and sisters about a week after Nayeli was born why they didn't tell me having a baby was so hard, they all laughed. They each said something to the effect of, "We did tell you. You just thought you'd be different". They were right. I did think I would be different. I would be able to get plenty of sleep. I wouldn't have problems with breastfeeding. I wouldn't cry every day from the baby blues. I would be able to keep my house clean and do lots of projects. After all, all newborns do is sleep, right?

What a rude awakening. Especially the breastfeeding. By the way, if you don't want all the gory details of my breastfeeding life, you can skip to the last paragraph now. But for all the rest of you, I'll say that it has been something akin to torture. Finally yesterday I broke down and went to a private appointment with a lactation consultant. Turns out I have a staph infection of both nipples as well as being cracked all around the edges. So besides applying antimicrobial creams, I'll be pumping my milk and bottle feeding for a few days to give my breasts a break. Yesterday I felt like a motherly failure, but today I've noticed such an improvement that I can't be disappointed. Hallelujah. Although I must say that breastfeeding really is a beautiful experience and I love it, even if it feels like you're getting a wart burned off each time you do it.

To end, I want to clarify my emotions. Do I love my daughter? Yes. Do I think she's wonderful and precious and the most beautiful baby ever? Of course. Am I happy we had her? Absolutely. Would I send her back? Never. Is admitting that it's hard mean that I love her less? Absolutely not. Every day I have at least one moment when I look at her and think, "I love being your mom". And even if that happens only once a day, it makes it all worth it.

Living in the Barlow Center = Prep for parenting

I believe living in the Barlow Center has been part of Ben and my preparation for parenting. I know I've already mentioned the 18 guys who live on our floor, the perpetually messy kitchen, and the lack of privacy due to our room being right by the common room. Sounds like being a parent, right? But what all you parents out there are saying is, "You still have to get woken up in the middle of the night. Then you'll have a taste of parenting!" Well I'm here to tell you, if that's what it takes to know parenting, I'm ready to be the mother to 18 boys.

That's right, Ben and I have had our fair share of wake-ups while living here. Just a few weeks ago, we both were awakened at 4:30 am to loud laughing and talking in the common room. I thought "Who in the world is awake? Tomorrow they have class!" I couldn't fall back asleep so I threw on some clothes and kindly asked the 2 guys who were typing a paper due the next day to "keep it down". They felt really bad, and both apologized the next day. And I felt bad I'd made them feel bad, but come on... did I sign up for this?

Then a few weeks later I was exhausted after working a 12 hour shift until 7pm. It took me an hour on public transport to get home, and after talking with Ben for a bit I fell promptly asleep. I had to be up at 5am again for another 12 hour shift, but my wonderful dreams were interrupted about 2:30am when I heard a knock on our door. I wanted to ignore it but it came again. So I threw on some clothes and opened the door to find one of the guys telling me (I am not making this up) that he had a temperature of 110 degrees and he didn't know what to do. I explained that it is impossible to live with a temperature of 110 degrees, and he later mentioned the second temperature he took was 99.8. Gees. Anyway, I gave him Tylenol and Motrin and went back to bed. I thought he'd thank me for saving his life, however the next day he informed me that the medicine wasn't working and he was going to the doctor. Good thing I was around...

And last but not least, this past Saturday Ben and I didn't feel well and decided to go to bed early. At about 11pm Ben was sawing logs but I was still trying to fall asleep. Then a knock came. I refused to answer it. The knocker gave up after one attempt but persisted elsewhere. Ben's phone soon after vibrated with a text, which Ben read to me the next day. It was from the same 110 fever kid and read (once again, I am not making this up) "Is Athena awake? Janie has something poking out of her neck." I was flabbergasted, but ignored the issue completely and guess what, everyone lived.

So if nothing else, thank you for letting me rant about the difficulties of raising eighteen 20-something boys. I'm sure all you parents can empathize. And if you have any tips about how to control the aforementioned behaviors, I'd love to hear them. I'll be sure to include them in the parenting book I'm writing about my experiences here.