Teddy's Blessing

Sunday June 29 was Jane, Chelsea and Esther's last day with us. Thus we decided to bless Teddy at our church.

Jane and I picked out his blessing outfit together.

Before church we went to a local park and got some family pictures

Proud Grandma Jane. I think Teddy looks like Winston Churchill in this picture. Something about the hairline and head shape. Ben, of course, disagrees.

The blessing was beautiful and Ben did such a great job. Poor Teddy, on the other hand, was gassy or hungry or tired or something and cried the entire time. I felt so bad. But a blessing is a blessing and I believe in those promises whether or not I could hear them over Teddy's sobs :)

Our last group shot before Jane, Esther and Chelsea headed home. What a ton of fun we crammed into only a few days! Let's do it again soon, shall we?

What I Know

It's 5am and I can't sleep. I just put Teddy down after a middle of the night feeding, but my mind is swimming with thoughts. During late night feedings I read, and tonight I read a sincere and well-meaning blog post written by a friend. A friend with questions and possibly doubts. And although she may never read this, this is for that friend, or any friend who has questions and doubts. This is what I believe.

I've been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints my entire life. I was taught it from the beginning. I sang its songs as a child. I attended mutual each week as a teenager. In college, I served for 18 months to teach its message to others. It gave me wonderful role models as my leaders taught and guided me. At home my parents were amazing examples of living its principles in their marriage, lives, and in the way they raised us. It has brought me happiness. I has always been everything I needed.

But I'll never forget the Sunday that, for the first time ever, I wanted to walk out the doors of the church and never return. My husband had recently been repeatedly and heavily criticized in a calling in which he was trying his very best. I had been asked the previous week to prepare "better and more entertaining" lessons because I was "boring" the children I was teaching. It was just before sacrament meeting and I learned of a dear friend who had been severely criticized and, for lack of a better phrase, tongue lashed because she had called during dinnertime to ask a member of the ward a simple question.

The opening hymn started, but I was already out the door. Tears streamed from my eyes. I was angry. Angry because, if there was claim that this was the church of Christ, why wasn't it full of the most Christian people on the earth?

My husband quietly followed me. He was silent as I paced the sidewalk outside the church building. Finally I cried, almost yelling, "Why are we even here?!"

His calm reply was just what I needed to hear. "We're here for Jesus Christ".

He was right. I wasn't there for them. I was there for Him.

Recently we've had close friends and family decide to leave the church. Each time I hear of it, my heart is heavy. And sometimes for a brief moment I have the thought, what if I leave?

Then my mind is immediately taken to the scripture in John 6 when Christ is with his disciples and he teaches them "hard sayings" or things that were difficult for them to hear. And then it says:

From that time many of his disciples went back, and walked no more with him.  Then said Jesus unto the twelve, Will ye also go away?  Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life.  And we believe and are sure that thou art that Christ, the Son of the living God.

I can't ever leave. To where would I go?

People in the church may have failed me, but God has never failed me. Jesus Christ has never failed me. And to me, it is His church. They are tied together. To believe in one is to believe in the other. I have asked and I know. I know that He restored all the truths necessary for our salvation through the prophet Joseph Smith. I know that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet of God. I know that the Book of Mormon, just like the Bible, is holy scripture.

It's not just what I believe. It's what I know.

Where Are the Unicorns?

A while ago, this article circulated around the internet about how my and Ben's generation is unrealistic and unhappy. We believe we're special. We expect to have unicorns and rainbows in our careers the minute we graduate from college. We want a large salary, good vacation time, and professional recognition from the moment we step into our first job. We want to have all our parents have RIGHT. NOW.

The article was a great read for both me and Ben. We found that, although we didn't want to admit it, we sometimes fell into the category of those who wanted immediate career and financial satisfaction. We wanted our rainbows and unicorns from his first real job. We wanted to be able to buy a nice car, a big house, and vacation in Hawaii every year. Not really, but we definitely had greater expectations than we should have had.

Our conclusion after reading the article? Keep working hard, pay your dues, be smart, and then hope for unicorns and rainbows in 20-30 years.

Although, lately I've been aching to be a home owner. I've wanted so badly to be in an established place. I want to paint walls, build shutters and plant a garden. Ben loves his job here, and we've talked about buying, but we just don't think we can afford anything in the area. To give you an idea of how expensive real estate is here in Wilsonville, the 2 bedroom, 2 bath, 1,400 square foot condo near our home is for sale for $230,000. And no, it's not an anomaly.

Also, it doesn't help to live in a neighborhood with houses like this. This beautiful home is in the process of foreclosure. It's price? $850,000.

Anyway, yesterday I was feeling a little down. It was mostly just pregnancy hormones, but in my glum I sketched this picture:

 

My (feasible) current dream home

I don't think I'm asking for too much! It's just a small 3 bedroom, 2.5 bathroom house people! That isn't being too greedy, is it?!

The problem is, I know that I'm being greedy. I know that I am asking for too much. Because I'm not appreciating the blessings that the Lord has already given me. 

In perfect timing, yesterday a package arrived from my father with the history of my great-grandmother and her family inside.

After my pity party, I read some of it. It was the best thing I could have done for myself. As I learned of their lives of sacrifice, I realized how much I truly have. Among other trials, they lived in adobe huts, buried spouses and children, lived through the depression and WWI, and worked hard their whole lives. Did they ever see unicorns and rainbows? If you think in terms of worldly wealth, no they never did. But they were happy. They trusted in God, kept his commandments, and were blessed.

I think I've determined that it's okay to be realistic, but not at the expense of being grateful. Yes, our apartment is small, but I'm grateful that it provides us a nice, affordable, warm place to live. Yes, it is going to be a tight squeeze having another baby in here, but I'm grateful for the laundry nook where I can put a bassinet. Heck, I'm just grateful for a washer and dryer. And although we aren't seeing financial rainbows, I'm grateful we have enough to pay the bills and meet our needs.

So in answer to the question, where are the unicorns? I have to respond that they're hidden behind gratitude. And that's truly the only place that I'll ever be able to find them.

A Detour to the Top

Just this last week, the beliefs that I wrote about in my last post were put to the test. To be specific, I'd like to refer to this paragraph:

Another realization I had was that the indirect route we took is similar to the unanticipated surprises in life that may come in the form of a disappointment, loss or failure. However, if we are doing our best to keep the commandments, these road blocks are only detours to lead us to the top. Our Heavenly Father may take us on these detours to help us draw closer to him or even to avoid other treacherous or dangerous obstacles. He can see the big picture, as I did when we finally reached the top of the canyon.

Many of you didn't know this, but I have been expecting a baby since March. Due to my history of miscarriage (first miscarriage story here) the doctor scheduled an early ultrasound for last week. I went in for the appointment, then watched as the ultrasonographer found the uterus and searched for a heartbeat. Even before she said, " I wish I had better news for you" I knew that there was nothing there. Without a heartbeat, what should have been a baby was just a white bean on the screen.  

She then left me alone while she went to find a doctor to talk to me. I had a good cry and it was nice to be alone. I talked to Heavenly Father in my mind. I told him I was sad and disappointed, that I felt helpless, and that I just wanted to have another baby. He listened, then wrapped his arms around me and told me it was okay. I was easily calmed and by the time the doctor came in, I was alright. I was able to calmly discuss my options. I knew within a matter of minutes that it was meant to be.

Since then I've been a yo-yo, hormonally and physically. I feel great or I can cry at the drop of a hat- it just depends on the moment. And physically, miscarrying is never a pony ride. Those of you who have done it before know what I'm talking about. 

However, I remember that Heavenly Father has a plan for our family. I know we will have other children. My greatest comfort comes from the fact that I've already had a successful pregnancy and I know I can carry a baby full term. And she brings so much joy into our lives that I can't help but smile when I look at her.

My other comfort is that I have no regrets. I followed the Spirit when I felt like we should try to have another baby, even though it was sooner than we expected. As I said in my story, this is just a detour toward the top. I hate miscarrying and I wish I didn't have to, but this experience only helps me feel the intense proximity of my Heavenly Father. He wants me to know he's there and after this experience, and many others, I don't doubt it. I can't doubt it.

A First...

Today I submitted an article to the Ensign. Have I planned this for ages? No. I just had to write a story for our ward Relief Society newsletter and thought, "Why don't I submit this to the Ensign while I'm at it? Why not?" Honestly, I don't care if it doesn't get published but if it does, wouldn't that be super cool?!

Just in case it doesn't get published I'm going to publish it here on the blog. That's sort of like publishing, isn't it? Either way, it's good enough for me.

One summer weekend my husband and I went camping in Southern Utah. While there, we planned a hike down into a large canyon to see some Anasazi ruins. We parked our car at the top, then descended into the canyon. As we hiked, I noted that there were no signs along the trail, but that it was marked only with cairns, or stacks of rocks along the way. I also noticed treacherous areas to the wayside. To avoid these areas, the trail wound far to the south, leading us down a steep and indirect route. By the time we reached the bottom, I realized that coming back up the canyon was not going to be an easy climb.

Once we reached the ruins we spent some time exploring, then packed up and prepared to ascend the canyon to our car. As we began to climb, the air was hot and my feet were sore. The climb became steeper, and I began to doubt our trail. We were moving south with the path, but it seemed like we were going too far south. I kept thinking, “This is way too hard. I bet if we go further north the hike will be easier and we’ll arrive at the car sooner.” However when I suggested this to my husband, who was leading, he pointed out that the original trail had gone south and we should continue to follow the cairns.   The path became even steeper and I continued to question whether we were going the right way.  However I followed the cairns with my husband and after what seemed like hours, the trail doubled back to the north and led us directly to the top. Sure enough, following the cairns and continuing on the indirect route had taken us straight to our car.

After reaching the top, I looked down on the canyon and thought of our climb up. Though I couldn’t see it while hiking, if we had gone to the north as I persistently suggested, we would have run into the treacherous areas that I noticed on the way down. In fact, even though the path to the north looked like an easier and more direct route to the top, it would have been impassible.

As I reflected on this experience, I thought about how life is often like our hike.  For each of us, the path back to our Heavenly Father can sometimes seem difficult and hard to find. The Savior taught, “Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.” (Matthew 7:14). However the alternative is only a longer and more difficult path. For example, at times it is hard to go to church weekly, love one another, study the scriptures and pray daily, forgive, admit we’re wrong and repent, etc. But each of these hard things, when accomplished, brings us closer to our Father in Heaven and our goal of eternal life.

Living the gospel requires effort. Both the prophets Amos and Nephi taught; “Therefore, wo be unto him that is at ease in Zion.” (2 Nephi 28:24, see also Amos 6:1). However, nothing is truly difficult with our Savior’s help, which he is so willing to offer. He himself taught, “For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:30)

Another realization I had was that the indirect route we took is similar to the unanticipated surprises in life that may come in the form of a disappointment, loss or failure. However, if we are doing our best to keep the commandments, these road blocks are only detours to lead us to the top. Our Heavenly Father may take us on these detours to help us draw closer to him or even to avoid other treacherous or dangerous obstacles. He can see the big picture, as I did when we finally reached the top of the canyon.

And our Heavenly Father, in his great mercy, has left us cairns to guide us and let us know the right path. Our prophet and the apostles, the scriptures, and the commandments are all examples of trail markers he’s given us. If we follow them, we need not doubt that we’re going in the right direction. He’s set the trail; now it’s just up to us to exercise the faith and effort to follow it.

14 Fundamentals to Remember

This morning, as I read the news, I became a bit discouraged by some of the current events taking place nationwide. With so much confusion, I sometimes feel confused myself and question what I believe and why.

Then I remembered this talk. It was given by Ezra Taft Benson when he was a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. It is entitled, "Fourteen Fundamentals in Following the Prophet". Although it was given over 30 years ago, it is a message that is as applicable today as it was then. I have listed them as they are given in the talk, although he expounds on each one wonderfully.

FOURTEEN FUNDAMENTALS IN FOLLOWING THE PROPHET

First: The prophet is the only man who speaks for the Lord in everything.

Second: The living prophet is more vital to us than the Standard Works.

Third: The living prophet is more important to us than a dead prophet.

Fourth: The prophet will never lead the Church astray.

Fifth: The prophet is not required to have any particular earthly training or diplomas to speak on any subject or act on any matter at any time.

Sixth: The prophet does not have to say “Thus saith the Lord” to give us scripture.

Seventh: The prophet tells us what we need to know, not always what we want to know.

Eighth: The Prophet is not limited by men’s reasoning.   (This was the one I needed the most this morning so I thought I'd include what President Benson put after it).

"There will be times when you will have to choose between the revelation of God and reasoning of men—between the prophet and the professor. 

Said the Prophet Joseph Smith, “Whatever God requires is right, no matter what it is, although we may not see the reason thereof until long after the events transpire.” (Scrapbook of Mormon Literature, vol. 2, p. 173)."

then later...

" 'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.' (Isa. 55:8–9.)"

Ninth: The prophet can receive revelation on any matter—temporal or spiritual. 

Tenth: The prophet may well advise on civic matters.  

Eleventh: The two groups who have the greatest difficulty in following the prophet are the proud who are learned and the proud who are rich.

Twelfth: The prophet will not necessarily be popular with the world or the worldly.

Thirteenth: The prophet and his counselors make up the First Presidency—The highest quorum in the Church.

Fourteenth: The prophet and the presidency—the living prophet and the First Presidency—follow them and be blessed—reject them and suffer.

Now I remember why I believe what I do. What a great reminder to me this morning that Jesus Christ has called a prophet in this day and age so that we can have a beacon of truth and reason. We need never feel discouraged, confused, or lost, no matter the circumstances that surround us.

Tomorrow the World Will End

Today I'm going to put a plug in for this great book I've been reading lately: the Bible.

When I was a missionary, I had a problem. I didn't know exactly what I thought about the Bible. I mean, I believed it, I testified of it... but I think I only believed parts of it. Or better said, I believed the Book of Mormon more.

Why did I feel that way? In many countries of the world people have the Bible yet they still live in sin and unbelief. I saw it daily on my mission. Do you believe in the Bible? Yes. Will you marry your boyfriend then? No. But don't you know it says in the Bible that fornication is a sin? So what? Trust me, it happened more than once. And the poor Bible, I blamed it for all the disbelief I saw. I think I thought, "If this really is a book of God, how can it cause such confusion?"

Image courtesy of USAtoday.com

Speaking of which, did you know the world is going to end tomorrow? No seriously, look it up. People have quit their jobs, stopped paying the bills, and are out proclaiming in the streets. How do they know? Well, they applied a complicated math equation to the Bible, and voila! they found out the date of the end of the world is May 21, 2011.

So following my pattern, I should be frustrated and disappointed in the Bible today, right? Except that after Ben and I married, I expressed my doubts to him and he made a simple suggestion. Read it. Study it. Find out for yourself.

So since last year I've been reading. I began with the New Testament and am now into Deuteronomy of the Old Testament. And I'm loving it. Okay, I may have skimmed some of the chapters explaining animal sacrifice, but I can't believe how much I'm learning. After a lifetime of church activity I thought I knew the Bible, but I really didn't understand it at all. I'm beginning to believe it to the degree that I used to proclaim I did.

And if anyone else decides you want to read it too, don't do it alone. There are great supplemental materials to help with understanding and application. Jesus the Christ is a wonderful resource when reading the New Testament. And for the Old Testament I got the Student Manuals at the Church Distribution Center (the old testament is divided in two). I read it along with the scriptures every day and it helps me to get so much more out of my study.

So there's my religious soapbox for the day. Now excuse me while I go enjoy the last day of the world.