A Detour to the Top

Just this last week, the beliefs that I wrote about in my last post were put to the test. To be specific, I'd like to refer to this paragraph:

Another realization I had was that the indirect route we took is similar to the unanticipated surprises in life that may come in the form of a disappointment, loss or failure. However, if we are doing our best to keep the commandments, these road blocks are only detours to lead us to the top. Our Heavenly Father may take us on these detours to help us draw closer to him or even to avoid other treacherous or dangerous obstacles. He can see the big picture, as I did when we finally reached the top of the canyon.

Many of you didn't know this, but I have been expecting a baby since March. Due to my history of miscarriage (first miscarriage story here) the doctor scheduled an early ultrasound for last week. I went in for the appointment, then watched as the ultrasonographer found the uterus and searched for a heartbeat. Even before she said, " I wish I had better news for you" I knew that there was nothing there. Without a heartbeat, what should have been a baby was just a white bean on the screen.  

She then left me alone while she went to find a doctor to talk to me. I had a good cry and it was nice to be alone. I talked to Heavenly Father in my mind. I told him I was sad and disappointed, that I felt helpless, and that I just wanted to have another baby. He listened, then wrapped his arms around me and told me it was okay. I was easily calmed and by the time the doctor came in, I was alright. I was able to calmly discuss my options. I knew within a matter of minutes that it was meant to be.

Since then I've been a yo-yo, hormonally and physically. I feel great or I can cry at the drop of a hat- it just depends on the moment. And physically, miscarrying is never a pony ride. Those of you who have done it before know what I'm talking about. 

However, I remember that Heavenly Father has a plan for our family. I know we will have other children. My greatest comfort comes from the fact that I've already had a successful pregnancy and I know I can carry a baby full term. And she brings so much joy into our lives that I can't help but smile when I look at her.

My other comfort is that I have no regrets. I followed the Spirit when I felt like we should try to have another baby, even though it was sooner than we expected. As I said in my story, this is just a detour toward the top. I hate miscarrying and I wish I didn't have to, but this experience only helps me feel the intense proximity of my Heavenly Father. He wants me to know he's there and after this experience, and many others, I don't doubt it. I can't doubt it.