I've taken a blogging hiatus for awhile since I feel like my world has been turned upside down. Actually, if it's possible to feel like my life has been turned upside down, done a 180 and then a triple-salchow, then that's how I feel. So I'm now going to confess that having a newborn, although a wonderful experience, is one of the hardest things I've ever done.
I'm sure all you seasoned mothers out there know what I'm talking about. One day you have control of your life, and then the next you are completely subject to another. You relinquish all your freedom. Your life is no longer your own. Who saw that coming?
When I asked my mom and sisters about a week after Nayeli was born why they didn't tell me having a baby was so hard, they all laughed. They each said something to the effect of, "We did tell you. You just thought you'd be different". They were right. I did think I would be different. I would be able to get plenty of sleep. I wouldn't have problems with breastfeeding. I wouldn't cry every day from the baby blues. I would be able to keep my house clean and do lots of projects. After all, all newborns do is sleep, right?
What a rude awakening. Especially the breastfeeding. By the way, if you don't want all the gory details of my breastfeeding life, you can skip to the last paragraph now. But for all the rest of you, I'll say that it has been something akin to torture. Finally yesterday I broke down and went to a private appointment with a lactation consultant. Turns out I have a staph infection of both nipples as well as being cracked all around the edges. So besides applying antimicrobial creams, I'll be pumping my milk and bottle feeding for a few days to give my breasts a break. Yesterday I felt like a motherly failure, but today I've noticed such an improvement that I can't be disappointed. Hallelujah. Although I must say that breastfeeding really is a beautiful experience and I love it, even if it feels like you're getting a wart burned off each time you do it.
To end, I want to clarify my emotions. Do I love my daughter? Yes. Do I think she's wonderful and precious and the most beautiful baby ever? Of course. Am I happy we had her? Absolutely. Would I send her back? Never. Is admitting that it's hard mean that I love her less? Absolutely not. Every day I have at least one moment when I look at her and think, "I love being your mom". And even if that happens only once a day, it makes it all worth it.
Amen, ditto and lol!!
ReplyDeleteI feel like this every time I have a baby. Hang in there, it totally gets better after a few months.
ReplyDeleteBriahna
I felt the same way! It doesn't help that your hormones are all out of whack. It took a little bit for me to feel like myself again. And I'm sure you've heard it a lot, but it really does get better/easier! People would always tell me that and it is so true! Your baby is adorable by the way. :)
ReplyDeleteYour doing great Athena! I'm so glad you went to a lactation specialist! There is nothing wrong with bottle feeding and giving your breasts a break. You are totally normal! It gets better and easier every day:)
ReplyDeleteOh Athena, Sounds like everything is "right on track"! Good luck.
ReplyDeleteAMEN Athena! That's why I don't sugar coat things when people ask me how it is. hahaha. I had a VERY hard time in the beginning with Bailey...who am I kidding, I still do some days! haha but it does get better from the newborn stage. That's why I'm having a hard time being super excited to pop this new baby out...I know what is coming :/ The breastfeeding part was the worst for me too. I used the nipple shields that you can buy and they saved my life, and my child from starving. It was toe curling painful, and that too did get better! Hang in there, take all the help you can get, and lets go to lunch!!! I should be having my baby in 2 weeks, or less :) Then we can all sit at the table and cry together as we latch our babies to our breasts!! hahaha
ReplyDeleteOh Athena! You are already a wonderful mom! All I have to say is after nursing for a few weeks, I am a bottle feeder and proud of it!! After having half my nipple fall off, I'm sure my babies were happy not to have "strawberry milk" anymore. TMI I'm sure....
ReplyDeleteThe first week of nursing? Oh, you mean the jaws of Hell? Yes, I'm familiar with it. You are the absolute, best, bravest, most wonderful mother in the world. I'm sure plenty of mothers tried to prepare you, but there is no vocabulary that can describe the deluge of physical and emotional agony. A staph infection?!? I'm so, so, so sorry. You poor woman. Lots of love and well-wishing coming from South Carolina. I'm having such sympathy pains right now.
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