IKEA catalog/catalogue, pregnancy, and the things Athena says when she's high

(Please have your personal copy of the latest IKEA catalog nearby or you will not enjoy this blog post)

I’m sitting here debating what the most efficient use of my time should be in this moment. You see, I’m developing a blog post in my little mind, yet Athena’s IKEA catalog just came today. The debate is this: do I cut carefully cut the cover off the catalogue (I’m not sure how to spell catalog, so I’ll utilize both versions sequentially, besides, it’s such a nice catalog/catalogue, it’s worth mentioning twice) and replace the contents of the catalog/catalogue with something entertaining, say, a heap of papers from my sophomore year of high school, or should I simply go through with a Sharpie and make ridiculous comments throughout the entire magazine, OR should I write a blog post? So many tantalizing choices… I think I’m going to save the hassle of finding scissors and old papers from high school. I’ll write a blog post while I make snide remarks and draw pictures throughout the IKEA catalog/catalogue!

Some day I’ll write a blog post about IKEA, Sweden and the endless desire women have to decorate and how this is the cause of global warming. Today is not that day. No, today there are more important issues of national merit that need addressing. Like, say, why did Athena call me no fewer than six times in less than two hours? I will try to explain, but this particular topic may end up on the new IKEA shelf that surely will be the dire result of our new catalog/catalogue. (I found the perfect shelf for my future topic depository… see page 259 of the latest catalogue/catalog. I chose the green one. Why don't you pick out your favorite too? In the meantime, I’m feeling a little light-headed from the Sharpie. I never knew IKEA could be so much fun for so cheap. I didn't even have to stop and buy any Swedish meatballs! I drew several figures sitting in the chairs on pages 64 and 69. They seem like comfortable chairs, or, at least the people I drew seem comfortable). I digress. On Tuesday, I was planning to meet with Athena during her break at work. We’d established a ballpark time of when we’d get together. Pregnancy and ballparks don’t mix. Athena called me 6 times to confirm, reconfirm, and rereconfirm when and how I was coming. Pregnancy does strange things to a woman. But then again, so does morphine. You see, the last time we did this whole pregnancy thing, it ended it a bit of a mess. As an analogy, let’s say the unattended candles on page 286 of our fine catalog/catalogue were to catch the fine flowers next to them on fire. This would be a mess like unto the last time we went through this pregnancy bit.

Speaking of flowers, let’s go to the hospital where we find Athena in a state of delirium the morning after her miscarriage. She’s coherent, yet still missing the finer points of her usual intellect. Enter me... with a beautiful bouquet of red roses and a big smile. Athena: “Wow! Who are those from?” Ouch. I laughed about it, but I learned a good lesson: buy more flowers for your wife more often or just say someone else sent the flowers and pretend to be the delivery boy.

Back to the morphine. Let’s go to the Sunday evening when we rushed to hospital because Athena was bleeding like a… like a… no analogy here… she was just bleeding. They swept her off to surgery and dropped me off in the waiting room with a mediocre sandwich and a stack of magazines. I paced around the waiting room for what seemed like hours while Athena went to the operating room for an emergency D&C. Finally, after what really was hours, I went prowling around the deserted hospital in search of my wife. I found a nurse who kindly directed me to where Athena was coming to after surgery. What followed then was several hours of morphine induced remarks that will forever cause our posterity to double over in laughter. So, cozy up in an easy chair (the one on page 67 of our catalog/catalogue looks comfy), put your Swedish meatballs on that particle board coffee table from IKEA and enjoy what I’ve titled, “The things Athena says when she’s on drugs:”

• (in the OR right after the surgery) All you ever think about is food and Honda.
• This is such a drug trip.
• (I was feeding her ice) One for me, two for you
• Man, this catheter is a trippy feeling. I feel like I could pee all over this room right now, but I know I can’t.
• (To the nurse… 6 times) What was your name again?
• Do you know how good this ice is?
• Nurse: How are you doing? Athena: I’ve got a balloon in me, so I guess I’m doing fine.
• Wow! I’m tripped out. I’m never, ever doing drugs.
• To the nurse: Jorge do you speak Spanish? I speak Spanish. Yo puedo hablar español por la anesthesia (I can speak Spanish because of the anesthesia).
• (after the blood transfusion) Somebody else’s blood runs through my veins now. Am I still a DeBry? Who knows.
• Can I have some more drink? What Jorge brought me was wonderful, but I finished it.
• (To the nurse) Did you spike my Sprite?
• Tell Landon it’s too bad there isn’t a nurse name Betsy—I’d get more views than him on YouTube. (watch this for high quality entertainment)
• This catheter thing is great isn’t it?
• The pain isn’t terrible, but it’s just bothersome. Do you have some anti-botherment medicine?
• Wow what good blood pressure! I get to go home! Good job body.

She had me rolling. I don’t know if reading this captures the spirit in which the statements were said, but she was so funny! I wouldn’t wish a miscarriage upon anyone, but if you’re there anyway, make sure to write down the funny things that happen. Well, I’m blogged out for the day. I will wrap this up with one mystical question that may turn into a future blog post: why in the world is there a printed ruler on the spine of the IKEA catalogue/catalog? I’m just going to leave that on my new particle board shelf and walk away, gently humming ABBA songs to myself.