A Detour to the Top

Just this last week, the beliefs that I wrote about in my last post were put to the test. To be specific, I'd like to refer to this paragraph:

Another realization I had was that the indirect route we took is similar to the unanticipated surprises in life that may come in the form of a disappointment, loss or failure. However, if we are doing our best to keep the commandments, these road blocks are only detours to lead us to the top. Our Heavenly Father may take us on these detours to help us draw closer to him or even to avoid other treacherous or dangerous obstacles. He can see the big picture, as I did when we finally reached the top of the canyon.

Many of you didn't know this, but I have been expecting a baby since March. Due to my history of miscarriage (first miscarriage story here) the doctor scheduled an early ultrasound for last week. I went in for the appointment, then watched as the ultrasonographer found the uterus and searched for a heartbeat. Even before she said, " I wish I had better news for you" I knew that there was nothing there. Without a heartbeat, what should have been a baby was just a white bean on the screen.  

She then left me alone while she went to find a doctor to talk to me. I had a good cry and it was nice to be alone. I talked to Heavenly Father in my mind. I told him I was sad and disappointed, that I felt helpless, and that I just wanted to have another baby. He listened, then wrapped his arms around me and told me it was okay. I was easily calmed and by the time the doctor came in, I was alright. I was able to calmly discuss my options. I knew within a matter of minutes that it was meant to be.

Since then I've been a yo-yo, hormonally and physically. I feel great or I can cry at the drop of a hat- it just depends on the moment. And physically, miscarrying is never a pony ride. Those of you who have done it before know what I'm talking about. 

However, I remember that Heavenly Father has a plan for our family. I know we will have other children. My greatest comfort comes from the fact that I've already had a successful pregnancy and I know I can carry a baby full term. And she brings so much joy into our lives that I can't help but smile when I look at her.

My other comfort is that I have no regrets. I followed the Spirit when I felt like we should try to have another baby, even though it was sooner than we expected. As I said in my story, this is just a detour toward the top. I hate miscarrying and I wish I didn't have to, but this experience only helps me feel the intense proximity of my Heavenly Father. He wants me to know he's there and after this experience, and many others, I don't doubt it. I can't doubt it.

A First...

Today I submitted an article to the Ensign. Have I planned this for ages? No. I just had to write a story for our ward Relief Society newsletter and thought, "Why don't I submit this to the Ensign while I'm at it? Why not?" Honestly, I don't care if it doesn't get published but if it does, wouldn't that be super cool?!

Just in case it doesn't get published I'm going to publish it here on the blog. That's sort of like publishing, isn't it? Either way, it's good enough for me.

One summer weekend my husband and I went camping in Southern Utah. While there, we planned a hike down into a large canyon to see some Anasazi ruins. We parked our car at the top, then descended into the canyon. As we hiked, I noted that there were no signs along the trail, but that it was marked only with cairns, or stacks of rocks along the way. I also noticed treacherous areas to the wayside. To avoid these areas, the trail wound far to the south, leading us down a steep and indirect route. By the time we reached the bottom, I realized that coming back up the canyon was not going to be an easy climb.

Once we reached the ruins we spent some time exploring, then packed up and prepared to ascend the canyon to our car. As we began to climb, the air was hot and my feet were sore. The climb became steeper, and I began to doubt our trail. We were moving south with the path, but it seemed like we were going too far south. I kept thinking, “This is way too hard. I bet if we go further north the hike will be easier and we’ll arrive at the car sooner.” However when I suggested this to my husband, who was leading, he pointed out that the original trail had gone south and we should continue to follow the cairns.   The path became even steeper and I continued to question whether we were going the right way.  However I followed the cairns with my husband and after what seemed like hours, the trail doubled back to the north and led us directly to the top. Sure enough, following the cairns and continuing on the indirect route had taken us straight to our car.

After reaching the top, I looked down on the canyon and thought of our climb up. Though I couldn’t see it while hiking, if we had gone to the north as I persistently suggested, we would have run into the treacherous areas that I noticed on the way down. In fact, even though the path to the north looked like an easier and more direct route to the top, it would have been impassible.

As I reflected on this experience, I thought about how life is often like our hike.  For each of us, the path back to our Heavenly Father can sometimes seem difficult and hard to find. The Savior taught, “Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.” (Matthew 7:14). However the alternative is only a longer and more difficult path. For example, at times it is hard to go to church weekly, love one another, study the scriptures and pray daily, forgive, admit we’re wrong and repent, etc. But each of these hard things, when accomplished, brings us closer to our Father in Heaven and our goal of eternal life.

Living the gospel requires effort. Both the prophets Amos and Nephi taught; “Therefore, wo be unto him that is at ease in Zion.” (2 Nephi 28:24, see also Amos 6:1). However, nothing is truly difficult with our Savior’s help, which he is so willing to offer. He himself taught, “For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:30)

Another realization I had was that the indirect route we took is similar to the unanticipated surprises in life that may come in the form of a disappointment, loss or failure. However, if we are doing our best to keep the commandments, these road blocks are only detours to lead us to the top. Our Heavenly Father may take us on these detours to help us draw closer to him or even to avoid other treacherous or dangerous obstacles. He can see the big picture, as I did when we finally reached the top of the canyon.

And our Heavenly Father, in his great mercy, has left us cairns to guide us and let us know the right path. Our prophet and the apostles, the scriptures, and the commandments are all examples of trail markers he’s given us. If we follow them, we need not doubt that we’re going in the right direction. He’s set the trail; now it’s just up to us to exercise the faith and effort to follow it.

Mother's Day

For Mother's Day we went to Music and the Spoken Word with Ben's mom Jane. Ben watched Nayeli while we went to the program. I had never been and I really enjoyed it. It seems like everything the church puts together is so well done. 

We spent the rest of the day with Ben's mom and family in Mountain Green. Soon she will move from the house that Ben grew up in, so we went to his home ward so he could see so many of the people he loves. After church the men made us dinner and, I must say, it turned out delicious. We later went to the park to fly a kite and play Frisbee. The weather was beautiful and it was a really great day. 

 

I love being a mom and feel so blessed to have my sweet daughter. She is such a blessing and has brought so much light into our lives. I'm grateful everyday that she is a part of our family.

Camping Addict Trip #1: Cedar Mesa

If you didn't already know, Ben LOVES LOVES LOVES to camp. He craves it like I crave Wendy's when I'm pregnant. And lately, his craving has worsened, nigh unto addiction. I'd like to attribute it to a quarter-life crisis, but I think it has to do with his job. Sitting behind a computer a large portion of the day makes him crazy for time outside. So I, being a mildly sympathetic wife, thought it might be good to let him indulge a little once the weather got warm.

Before I knew it, we'd scheduled three camping trips for our family in May alone. That's after two camping trips Ben took in April. Do you see a pattern here? Am I setting myself up for four trips in June?

I can't decide whether to be apprehensive or excited, especially when you consider our trip this last weekend to Southern Utah. It was a little bit more exciting than I like camping trips to be.

 We went down Thursday night to camp in Goblin Valley. We drove out to the middle of nowhere and camped on BLM land. It got a little cold- somewhere in the high 20's, low 30's. Thankfully I bundled up Nayeli well enough and she pretty much slept through the night. Too bad I can't say the same for Ben and I. We're currently looking into 0 degree sleeping bags. Seriously.

Eating breakfast. The next day warmed up well and the weather was great.

Nothing like dirt and a toy car to make a little girl happy.

Nayeli loves toy cars. She even makes engine noises when she plays with them. 

I think it makes Ben feel like a proud papa.

 Nayeli's favorite activity on the trip? Placing rocks on the bumper. It kept her entertained for hours.

Our major setback came Friday morning when we packed up the car, got in, turned the ignition, and nothing happened. Our battery was dead. Luckily there was a guy camping about 3/4 mile from us who came and jump started our car.

 Too dirty? Never.

However when we stopped at a gas station in Hanksville to make sure the car would start again if we turned it off, it didn't. We then realized that if we wanted to continue on our journey, we needed to find a new car battery in the middle of southern Utah.

To sum it up (and save you from hearing about the marital/family angst experienced) we drove to Blanding, Utah then 20 miles further to Monticello. Six hours later we had a new car battery.

By 5pm we finally arrived at Cedar Mesa and set up camp. We decided to do a hike that night.

 We went to a Anasazi fortress called The Citadel. It's out on a peninsula of rock- a little bit of a scary hike to get there but amazing to see.

Their homes were built into the cliff. Please ignore the double chin caused by the camera angle :)

Family shot!

We camped on the edge of a beautiful canyon. Dinner was a pretty big bust (think freeze dried soup and bisquits on sticks- burnt on the outside, doughy on the inside). Nayeli had a large desire to play in the campfire, so it was an early to bed sort of night. And honestly, I think we all just wanted the day to be over as soon as possible.

Besides another bust at breakfast (Ben ... we forgot to bring butter or Pam to cook the pancake batter :) ), Saturday was a great day and made up for Friday. We packed up the car then hiked down the canyon by our camp. We went to see "Seven Kivas". They were religious dwellings for the Anasazi.

One of the kivas. We were the only ones at the site so it was great to take our time and look around. We even ate lunch right next to the kivas.

The top of the kiva

 Ben and Nayeli. He carried her on all the hikes. What a stud.

Overlooking another kiva

This girl was so good for our trip, especially since she was confined to her car seat for so much time.
She was such a trooper and took great naps in our Kelty backpack. Best camping tip ever:
don't worry if your child eats dirt. We're a few days out and she's still strong and thriving.

Before hiking back up the canyon. The weather was perfect that day. Not too hot or cool.

And just one more because she's so cute.

As we drove home Saturday afternoon Ben said, "Wasn't that fun?" I couldn't say "Yes" yet. Even now, I'm still a little traumatized from the eight hour search for a car battery in the middle of nowhere. But when I look at the pictures, I'm glad we went. Fun? Yeah, we had fun. But better said, it was a good experience. And good experiences don't always have to be fun to be worth your time.

Something Inspirational

I saw this today and just loved it. Every woman should see this video.

The Truth About Missions and Motherhood

Last night at about midnight I was awakened by Nayeli screaming from her crib. I found her feverish, and as I was just about to give her some Motrin and nurse her back to sleep, I felt a sickening splash on my face and shoulder. A quick flick of the light switch revealed last night's dinner on my cheek and shirt. Ugh.

Thankfully (insert sarcastic tone here) I have a husband who is a complete zombie when awakened in the middle of the night (remember how at 1:30 am he was driving to the hospital going 5mph under the speed limit while I was having contractions every 2 minutes?). However, in Ben's defense, he was able to get a grasp of reality long enough to hold the screaming Nayeli while I cleaned up myself and changed her. He then retreated back to our bedroom while I rocked our sick girl. Before sunrise I had changed my shirt three times. Needless to say, it was a long night.

By this morning, I had drafted an idea in my head on how to prepare those who are contemplating parenthood. I'd like to introduce it by way of an analogy. I'll call it the Sister Missionary analogy.

Lately, numerous LDS girls are going on missions and I think it's amazing. But for me, there's a caveat. Everyone tells them, "Oh it's wonderful! It'll be the best 18 months of your life! You're going to love it!" And they're right. It is all those things and more. But where is the person who sits each one down and says, "We need to have a chat. Has anyone told you how hard this is going to be? Has anyone mentioned that there will be MULTIPLE TIMES that you will wonder why in the world you went on a mission? That you will give anything for a plane ticket home?"

For me, it was my sister Christina. She served in the Dominican Republic in the 1990's. To say she had a taxing mission would be putting it mildly. She bathed from a bucket and never had a shower, was constantly battling parasites, lost a large portion of her hair, and had companions who hated and refused to speak to her. She even told me that at one point she prayed she would break her leg so she could be sent home.

Like the others I've described, she told me about the good of the mission. But because she took time to tell me about the bad, it helped me a lot. I knew it would be great, while at the same time knowing that it would be really really hard. And I did encounter a lot that tested me to my max, physically and emotionally. But I always had Tina's voice in my head saying, "It's okay. It's normal for it to be hard. It will be worth it".


Just for fun, here are a few photos of a few things that tested me physically (as to not incriminate former companions, investigators, or members, I will not be posting pictures of the things that emotionally taxed me :) ).

Giant cockroaches

 The ants and mosquitoes were vicious. My legs were covered with bites like this my entire mission and I had scars for a year or two after. Also, please marvel at my amazing tan lines from my shoes.

 Washing my clothes by hand in the shower (thankfully I did have a shower in all my areas).
This typically took almost all of our preparation day.

 The lizard I had to chase out of the house with a broom

 The spider I killed in our house. My nametag is on the ground to show it's size. 

 It jumped at me as I went to spray it. Note the huge pincers on the front of it's head.

But back to my idea. What if we apply the "chat" I received before my mission to motherhood? Wouldn't it be nice if a seasoned mom sat down with each girl who was considering motherhood and said, "We need to have a chat. Has anyone told you how hard this is going to be? Has anyone mentioned that there will be MULTIPLE TIMES that you will wonder why in the world you became a mother? That you will give anything for a plane ticket to Hawaii or anywhere else for that matter?"

It would be even more effective if the seasoned mothers were wearing shirts with spit up on them or pants with the remains of a blow-out on the thigh. And then, when times got hard for the new mom, she could remember the words of the seasoned mother saying, "It's okay. It's normal for it to be hard. It will be worth it".

Initially, when I woke this morning, I felt robbed. Where was the person that could have told me I would be awakened in the middle of the night only to be vomited on? Where was the seasoned mother who would let me know what it was really going to be like?

Then I realized that it doesn't matter. It wouldn't have diminished my desire to be a mother. Just like my sister's talk never lessened my desire to be a missionary. In fact, last night, after the mess was cleaned up and I held my daughter snuggled against my chest, I felt there was no where else I'd rather be.

In both the mission and motherhood, the sweet greatly outweighs the trial. The sweet is what keeps you going. There is nothing harder, but there is also nothing better.

 

*Note: My example is specific to sister missionaries because in my opinion, the mission is an entirely different battle for the sisters than the Elders. Both face similar problems in the mission, but my observation has been that the sisters deal with the stress and difficulties in the mission in a different way than the Elders. And, of course, I was never an Elder so I can't speak for what helps prepare them for a mission. I am just speaking from my own observations and experiences.

Nayeli's First Birthday & Easter

We've been celebrating Nayeli's first birthday for weeks now. Last Friday Ben had the day off work so we went to the Living Planet Aquarium in Sandy. Nayeli wasn't really into the fish, but she liked the otters and penguins. It was a great place for somewhere as land-locked as Utah.

 

I'm pleased to announce that I got both a nurse shark and the sea turtle in this shot

Then last Saturday we had a combined birthday party with Nayeli and Ben's little sister Chelsea. We gave Nayeli a cupcake to let her dig into...

 however she daintily ate it and hardly made a mess at all.

That wasn't exactly what I was going for :) I wanted some mess pictures!

Opening gifts with Grandma Jane

Helping with gift opening. I love her chubby cheeks in this picture.

Sunday we celebrated Easter at my mom and dad's home. Four of my siblings were there with a total of 18 kids. It was crazy, but so much fun!

Of course my mom went all out on the table decor. It was beautiful. And this was only the adult table. There were also two other kids tables decorated equally as beautiful.

 

  Each place was even complete with a nametag

 I made a banner of 12 months of Nayeli. Each picture was from a month of her life.

My amazing and hilarious sister Julia. Oh yeah, and there's a banner in this picture too :)

One year old and as cute as ever

 We gave her a piece of strawberry pie complete with whipped creme. 

 A recipe for a mess? Perfect.

 I think she likes it

 Sometimes when she's eating in a high chair, she sticks her foot up like this and relaxes. 

We call it her mob-boss pose.

She ate the entire piece of pie, no problem. This kid LOVES to eat. 

The cherry on top for the night was found when I lifted Nayeli out of her high chair to put her in the tub. Unbeknownst to us, she had had a major blow-out while enjoying her strawberry pie. Thank heavens she was headed for the bath anyway. And yes we took some pictures as we laughed, but I'll spare you. We'll save those photos to show her first date.